With All I Am

   ³⁷ “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. ³⁸ Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. ³⁹ Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

~Matthew 10:37-39

When I was reading this passage, this is the verse I read rather than the ones listed above...

"Anyone who loves their girlfriend more than me, is not worthy of me"

I realized how much I've fallen from God. I realize the sin I have caused in myself and Julia. And I realize how merciful God is to forgive me. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me!


This Good Friday service was very emotional for me, but more so than emotions it really touched my spirit to see the Passion of Christ over again with the body of believers. More than just the gorey scenes, I imagined myself ridiculing Jesus and nailing him to the cross with all the travesty I've caused in my sinful nature. As I was talking with Steve, I felt more of a burden to pray more earnestly for Julia. I felt guilt that I have caused her a deep scar which could affect future men in her life. More than wanting her back.. I want her not to be hurt... 

As passion week came to a close, earlier in the week I decided to fast for 40 hours starting from Friday evening to Sunday morning, not to prove I have the willpower, but as a means to help me draw closer to Christ. The 24+ hours has been a physical challenge, but spiritually I haven't been higher. Whenever I get the hunger pangs, I send a quick prayer that Jesus would sustain me. This is the first time taking to elevate my closeness with God by fasting. I've never fasted before... And it has been a blessing... By far I tried really hard to keep it a secret. I want to do this not to prove that I'm a super christian, which is rubbish, but as a means to grow spiritually... I want to not eat spiritual baby food anymore, i want to expand my faith.

Jesus thank you for sacrificing yourself on the cross. I pray you keep sustaining me as my body feels weak... It's hard to think straight properly, but I know this reliance on you is what I need and what glorifies you. Thank you for keeping my spirit strong... And I honestly look forward to celebrating Easter not only because you rose from the grave and conquered sin, but also because i can eat... I'm hungry for you.


I pray all these things in Jesus name


Amen