Eyes to see and ears to hear

¹³ This is why I speak to them in parables:

   “Though seeing, they do not see;
   though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

¹⁴ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

   “‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
   you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
¹⁵ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
   they hardly hear with their ears,
   and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
   hear with their ears,
   understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.

~Matthew 13:13-15

Essentially Jesus states that not everyone in the world will have the ears to hear and the eyes to see; not everyone will be able to enter the pearly gates of heaven. 


As I'm beginning to open my eyes tad bit more and hear his faint whisper, I see the desperate need to turn to him. I realize I also need the heart to discern his voice. Without this heart, I wouldn't have the desire to turn from my ways. I need to be able to turn from the patterns of this world... from all the greed, power and lust this world offers to cloud our judgment.

I need to strive to seek him more... To run after him and also help others who can't hear or see him to help seek him out.


Jesus help me to have the ears to hear, the eyes to see and the heart to seek after you. I'm still broken God, I need your healing from my sinful past. Help sustain me in righteousness and help lead those who don't know you to the cross.

I pray all these things in Jesus name


Amen.

Praise You in the Storm

Giving it all to Christ

With All I Am

   ³⁷ “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. ³⁸ Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. ³⁹ Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

~Matthew 10:37-39

When I was reading this passage, this is the verse I read rather than the ones listed above...

"Anyone who loves their girlfriend more than me, is not worthy of me"

I realized how much I've fallen from God. I realize the sin I have caused in myself and Julia. And I realize how merciful God is to forgive me. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me!


This Good Friday service was very emotional for me, but more so than emotions it really touched my spirit to see the Passion of Christ over again with the body of believers. More than just the gorey scenes, I imagined myself ridiculing Jesus and nailing him to the cross with all the travesty I've caused in my sinful nature. As I was talking with Steve, I felt more of a burden to pray more earnestly for Julia. I felt guilt that I have caused her a deep scar which could affect future men in her life. More than wanting her back.. I want her not to be hurt... 

As passion week came to a close, earlier in the week I decided to fast for 40 hours starting from Friday evening to Sunday morning, not to prove I have the willpower, but as a means to help me draw closer to Christ. The 24+ hours has been a physical challenge, but spiritually I haven't been higher. Whenever I get the hunger pangs, I send a quick prayer that Jesus would sustain me. This is the first time taking to elevate my closeness with God by fasting. I've never fasted before... And it has been a blessing... By far I tried really hard to keep it a secret. I want to do this not to prove that I'm a super christian, which is rubbish, but as a means to grow spiritually... I want to not eat spiritual baby food anymore, i want to expand my faith.

Jesus thank you for sacrificing yourself on the cross. I pray you keep sustaining me as my body feels weak... It's hard to think straight properly, but I know this reliance on you is what I need and what glorifies you. Thank you for keeping my spirit strong... And I honestly look forward to celebrating Easter not only because you rose from the grave and conquered sin, but also because i can eat... I'm hungry for you.


I pray all these things in Jesus name


Amen

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Isaiah 53

 ¹ Who has believed our message
   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
² He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
   and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
³ He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
 ⁴ Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.
⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.
 ⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
   yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
   and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
   so he did not open his mouth.
⁸ By oppression^[a] and judgment he was taken away.
   Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
   for the transgression of my people he was punished.^[b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
   and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
   nor was any deceit in his mouth.
 ¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
   and though the LORD makes^[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
   and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
¹¹ After he has suffered,
   he will see the light of life^[d] and be satisfied^[e];
by his knowledge^[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
   and he will bear their iniquities.
¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,^[g]
   and he will divide the spoils with the strong,^[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
   and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
   and made intercession for the transgressors.


Thank you Jesus.

Only Him

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

~Genesis 28:15

 I need you Jesus.

JOY - Jesus First, Others Second and You last.

   ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

~Matthew 6:25-34~

As of late, I've been really stressed about my future. Do I want to continue working at Magnachip, do I want to switch companies or even possibly my career? I thought I had everything planned out before this whole breakup. I would work until Julia got out of school, get married and then I would pursue whatever career God had inclined me to do. But as usually my plans are always shut down by unforeseen events. Though it completely and utterly sucks to have plans fall through,I know ultimately God will be glorified through this breakup. 

In this state I could say that my life is easier and I'm letting God take the drivers sit of my life, but it isn't the case. I still have this human urge to plan things out, make goals and pursue after them, as i'm doing now. I've been studying GREs and my next step is to start school retaking my courses and knocking off my prereqs. I'm trying to make my life simplier by following Him, but it isn't the case as new worries are evident. Will I do well? Will I even get into my choice career path? Is this what God wants me to do? I dunno... I worry that I'm just wasting my valuable time on this earth.

God has a plan for me, and what that plan is.. i have yet to figure out...

What I need to do is... stop worrying about the temporal and worry about the eternal. Seek HIS KINGDOM first and his righteousness. If i seek him first He will take care of all my needs. My short term and long term future, and even my future spouse. He'll heal the pain I have in my heart and comfort me in my loneliness. I need to live out my life with JOY, beginning with Jesus first. 

In this passion week, I pray that you would help me to seek after you more. To remember what you did on this earth and ultimately did to forgive mankind our sins. Thank you redeemer and savior

In Jesus name

Amen

Hunger and Thirst

He said:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I'm so thirsty for Christ. The more I struggle with hurt in my life, the more I need God. It's bittersweet.

Healer.

Trust and Obey

²² But Samuel replied:

   “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
   as much as in obeying the LORD?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
   and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
²³ For rebellion is like the sin of divination,
   and arrogance like the evil of idolatry.
Because you have rejected the word of the LORD,
   he has rejected you as king.”

1 Samuel 15:22-23

To obey is better than sacrifice... Wow

In this chapter the Lord commands Saul to destroy Amalekites for their wickedness when the Israelites first came to Canaan. God was specific about His command to destroy everything that the Amalekites held in position, which includes everything from women, children, babies and even animals. Essentially God wanted a genocide in wiping out the ethnic group of the Amalekites who did wrong to the Israelites.

God delivered on his promise to Saul, as his battle was a successful in defeating the Amalekites. Unfortunately, Saul didn't obey God's complete instructions as he made exceptions to spare the king and the choice selection of animals. Whether it was Saul greed or his idea to offer the animals as sacrifice, God was infuriated with Saul for disobeying His command. Samuel was then sent to go confront Saul to lay down the shift justice of the Lord. At first Samuel tries to weasel his way out of the conflict blaming his men, but later owns up to his actions when Samuel tells him that God no longer accepts him as king. 

I can definitely relate to Saul. I always seem to ruin what God commands me to do by manipulating his command and twist the truth to get what I want. Whether its skimming off the top or deliberately doing the opposite, it'll still considered missing the mark of God's command which is essentially a sin. Thank God he gives me mercy because I fail all the time in completing his tasks... Rather than being ripped from God's favor, I'm forgiven with Christ's blood, and redeemed to still be his child after so many failures. 

God has made it clear to me that he requires my obedience more than what I can sacrifice for his name. TO OBEY IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE. Difficult as it is, I'm going to strive more to heed to his commands and to obey even when things get tough or there's a lack of desire to do so. I understand he wants the best for me and obeying allows the best to be come fruition.


God I pray you would spur me to be more obedient to your will. There is nothing greater in life to fear and obey you. Help me to have the same desire as you so that whenever I do your will it would be as natural as breathing. Thank you for your endless mercy.

In Jesus name Amen

Supplemental Verse!

 ⁷ But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Do I fail the test?

 ⁵ Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? ⁶ And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. ⁷ Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong—not so that people will see that we have stood the test but so that you will do what is right even though we may seem to have failed. ⁸ For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. ⁹We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is that you may be fully restored. ¹⁰ This is why I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority—the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down.


~ 2 Cor 13:5-10


Do I fail that test?


With his closing statement Paul encourages the church of Corinth to test themselves. What does it mean to test yourself in Christ? In academics, tests are not only used to gauge a persons competence, but also to spur on those lazy individuals to be focus and learn the material rather the person procrastinating. (honestly if there were no test in school i wouldn't learn anything). In a way it acts like a catalyst and gives the individual a sense of urgency. I'm not sure whether these early Christians were lazy about their faith, but these individuals did lack Christ like characteristics of Godly love. Quite possibly even being too focused on the worldly issues. I can relate...


I feel like I do fail that test. Up until recent... I haven't been living a Christ centered life. At most times my back was facing him as I did as I pleased. And whats saddening is the fact that it took me a traumatic event to change my perspective. How much more could Christ have been glorified before this event? But I accept God's will and realize that I had to go through tough times to see the value of Christ. The one who never leaves your side even when you feel that the world is coming down. 


Will I survive the next test when Satan comes knocking at my door? I hope so... I need to make sure I reinforce my faith so that no matter how much Satan huff and puffs at the foundations of my faith, I would not falter to keep pursuing a Christ like life. Reading the word, writing about it, listening to c-music and praying are definitely leading me to the right direction. I also feel that serving and sharing the word is essential to help keep this relationship with God a healthy one. 


Jesus, thank you for forgiving me of my wretchedness. Thank you for giving me mercy. Thank you for dying on the cross and giving us that perfect example to follow.

In Christ alone, my hope is found


He is my light, my strength, my song


This cornerstone, this solid ground


Firm through the fiercest drought and storm


What heights of love, what depths of peace


When fears are stilled, when strivings cease


My comforter, my all-in-all


Here in the love of Christ I stand

There in the ground His body lay


Light of the world by darkness slain


Then bursting forth in glorious day


Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory


Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine


Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me


From life's first cry to final breath


Jesus commands my destiny


No power of hell, no scheme of man


Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home


Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Till He returns or calls me home


Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

In Jesus Name

Amen

Serving the Lord

²⁴ But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you.


1 Samuel 12:24


²¹To my shame I admit that we were too weak for that!

   Whatever anyone else dares to boast about—I am speaking as a fool—I also dare to boast about. ²² Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham’s descendants? So am I. ²³ Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. ²⁴ Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. ²⁵ Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, ²⁶ I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. ²⁷ I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. ²⁸ Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. ²⁹ Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

 ³⁰ If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

2 Corinthians 11:21-30

One of the biggest things I struggle with my walk with God is fearing Him. I'm so brainwashed with the idea that God is a God of love, but not the God of wraith. God has both characteristics of wraith and love. Two sides of the same coin. These few weeks I've had a chance to experience it first hand. The wraith...

The holes makes it so its more aerodynamic D:

Though I'm not being physically punished, I have been in emotional disarray swaying from being okay to falling into a deeper depression. Things have been a lot better since the start, but I'm still not out of the woods yet. I'm realizing during my times of trouble, I always end up closer with God. This dependence on Him is what he wants, but ultimately what I need to overcome my sadness and find joy in life once again. 

One thing I noticed that old testament does well is showing God's wraith. For ever stupid little thing that the Israelites do, God freely dishes out the pain for not obeying. Once they forget (which they always do) God dishes out the pain to remind them that hes always present and hes a jealous God. Like all sane parents, it is essential to allow the child to be punished for his mistakes so that he doesn't end up hurting himself later. Though this method sucks, it does accomplish it's goal of understand what it means to fear the Lord.


Compared to the early believers, I consider myself lucky that I'm not smitten by God's wraith this instant. I am sinful, but more despicably, I cause other's to sin. It can't get any worse than that... I honestly feel so guilty and I deserve the full wraith of his punishment, but God has been merciful in my life... In that I should have more fear in Him, so that I don't  blatantly sin against him, and end up hurting not only myself, but others as well.

How do I accomplish that?

Serve him faithfully with all my heart and reflect in his blessings he has given me. I have my health, I have a roof over my head, and I have Jesus in my heart. What is there not to be thankful for even in these times of sadness. 


Taking Paul's life for example, he has been in a series of bad scenarios that have almost ended his life, yet he persevered. God allowed him to experience those events not only because he believe that Paul would make it through, but also for Paul to depend on Jesus even more. And through that I realize God is putting me through this, not only to cleanse my palate of the nasty sin that's been in my life, but also to fill my taste buds with the sweet taste of the divinity, which is Christ Jesus. 


I pray God that you would help me to heal, and more importantly seek you with a greater fervor. Lately you have been pressing in my heart to seek the eternal rather than the temporal. Continue to encourage me to live for the eternal. I pray you would give me courage to follow you whole hearted with the fear that you deserve. Help me from defeating sin and not giving into the temptations that come into my life. 


I pray all these things in Jesus name.


Amen. 

Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. 
~Hebrews 12:10-11

Mourning into Dancing

10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. ¹¹ See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter
~ 2 Corinthians 7:10-11


Paul is notorious for rebuking the early churches in his letters. They weren't solely a letters of encouragement, but they were letters to address the matters of distorting the Word of God. As I read today's passage, I found that the phrase "leaves no regret" blaring within the various verses I read thus far. Godly sorrow breaks down, but also results in building up. So true so true. When I first went through my trials, I honestly didn't see that the breakup was Godly (or intended to be closer to God). I thought it was a ploy to get rid of me, or to give me an excuse to get out of the relationship. But after a bit of time spent with God, its becoming more evident that God brought those sorrows to correct my sinful behavior. I'm beginning to see the bigger picture now. I still haven't really let go of the regrets. At times I'm regretful that it got to this point, yet other times I feel like God is taking care of me and there are no residue of regrets. I'm slowly surrendering more of myself to God and his plans. Honestly.. It's a difficult and scary feeling to not be in control, but with his guidance and dependence there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel it in my bones.


The second word that stuck out in these selection of verses is "what longing". The more I confessed my ways, the greater the Holy Spirit pressed on my heart to long for God. It was automatic... Like a pet (I know bad example), I was eager to please my master after doing something horrific like... pissing on the carpet and then getting hohnae... Strange, but I do long more and more to be closer with Him. 


Jesus thank you for changing my mourning into joy. Though I'm not dancing now, I know one day, I can freely dance and be joyful for all the things I've been through. I do find joy in seeking you and you do give me peace. Continue to allow me to be sustained in you and depend on your very presence. 


In Jesus name

Amen






And I close with some oldschool MV!

Imitating Christ’s Humility

 Philippians 2:1-11

Imitating Christ’s Humility

 ¹ If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴ Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 ⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷ but made himself nothing,
   taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   and became obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!
⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
   to the glory of God the Father.

Steve and I will be memorizing this for next week. Chik-ki-chik-ki check it son!

Out of Our Mind

⁶ Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight. ⁸ We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹ So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. ¹⁰ For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.


2 Corinthians 5:6-10


Mood: a bit better... 


Everyday is a struggle, whether its work, school, relationships, or family. There's always some kind of issue that arises. Not surprisingly, my current struggles still involve me getting over the breakup. And as Kayne puts it he sums my situation pretty well... "you cut me deep B***, cut me like surgery" (Shes not a b. I have no ill will towards her.. just sadden by the situation)... Yesterday, I got a package back from Julia that contained the promise ring I gave her, my shirt that she wears when she sleeps and a scarf she bought me. It definitely hurt getting the items back as it seemed like this breakup is more real now and more permanent... I was moping a lot yesterday, thinking about it... But whats different about today is... I decided to guard my heart from now on. Quite frankly, I don't think I'll be able to easily open up to another person for a long time. The more relationships I get myself into, the more jaded I get about finding true love. And to those who haven't had the fortune to be in a relationship, I'm going to break it down for you... there is no such thing as a "fairytale" true love. Perfect love doesn't exist within humans, but only exist in God.


God was there for me when my dad passed away. God was there for me when I broke up with my first ex. God was there for me when I experienced spousal abuse at a young age and when my family was falling apart. God is always there. And again God is here for me in my sorrow and loneliness. 


To those who don't believe in God, it might seem like I'm crazy to believing in a imaginary being that can not be sense by any of the 5 senses, but I can tell you how real he is by how he influenced my life. 

With the life I led up until now, I know His works have formed my very core of my personality and characteristics. I have accomplished so many things when my life could have easily went the other way with the hardships I went through.


To say the least. I think this scripture pretty much sums up how I feel.


¹³ If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you.


If I was in my right mind, I could have easily said Eff you God for screwing up my life. But I always end up coming back to him during an event that causes me to breakdown. 


Long rant.... 


Back to what I read today. The life we live now is only a pit stop to the final destination which is being next to Christ - eternally. I tend to forget the eternal and be focused on the temporal. Why am I so narrow minded?! ughh.. The present culture is so detrimental to how I want to live. It's all about instant gratification, living in the moment and you only have one life attitude that affects the way I choose to live... I need to remember 2 Cor 16-18 which states "this momentary troubles are achieving eternal glory". I have to remember that my pain now is meaningless. My job here on earth is ultimately to build God's kingdom. 


God I pray you only put one desire in my heart, which is to serve you...


In Jesus name
Amen. 

Hope in Complete Darkness

 ¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

~2 Cor 4:16-18

With the CEO being in town I knew I had to wake up earlier than my usual 830am. I actually woke up before my alarm went off which is pretty unusual. As I woke up, my first waking thoughts was.... "Another day waking up to my sad existence."

Of course its always tough getting over a breakup, more so because I knew at the time that I would marry this person one day.

As I lay in bed I started to reflect on things that went wrong, you know the usual stuff when one goes through  during breakups. That didn't change the fact that I still had a gaping hole in my heart.So I sought God.

Surprisingly, both the readings in OT and the NT were on the dot for me. In Judges a man sought after his concubine after 4 months of waiting (initially I was thinking that God wanted me to give Julia at least 4 months before seeking her). He loved this women enough to go to the far ends of country to get her back even though she was unfaithful to him. And at the very end he avenged her death by scattering her corpse which brought judgement on the Benjiminites. Rather than focusing on my lost I found that the scripture in Corinthians was more applicable and gave me more hope in my darkness.

Though it's hard to see it now, the heavy heart and the disarrayed mind is just a momentary trouble which God is putting me through. This is my Marah (the place God took Moses and the Israelites before they arrived at Elim). My Marah is definitely bitter, but I know there's a lesson behind it. I know deep down inside that God wants me to be more reliant on Him, my first love. I find it strange that even in suffering, the fingers that point to oneself always changes to the One above. Yes I can wallow in my pain and be depressed, but like David my grief always changes praise. Praise that God put me through this? I'm not quite there yet, but more of the thanksgiving that Jesus died on the cross for my sins which my life is forfeit to.

...I guess this is what Glory-to-Glory means. Praising him in the mist of my struggles until the day I reach Elim (my paradise).


Father I pray that you keep me underneath your wings. Shelter me from this loneliness and heal this bitterness that I have in my heart. Jesus, forgive me of my wretchedness and turn me from my wicked ways. Let me reach my Elim soon.

In pray in Jesus name

Amen


A song that's been playing in my mind while I was reflecting this morning.